Blog

Short blog posts, journal entries, and random thoughts. Topics include a mix of personal and the world at large.

A different kind of joy

Recently, our pet kitten got a case of the stomach virus. He’s been refusing to eat much food, and was not drinking any water from the bowl at all. At the initial phase, the cat was vomiting regularly as well. He’s lost a few pounds of weight, and has been quite lethargic around the house. It’s the first time since our family adopted the kitten back in April that we’ve experienced it being sick, and I have to say it’s rather heart-wrenching to see your beloved pet struggling with energy.

I would be working throughout the day and at the back of mind I’m instead thinking of the well-being of the cat, hoping the stomach sickness will soon pass. As I go to check up on him every now and then, it’s utterly discouraging to see him sitting down with downcast eyes, lacking in the usual pep and welcome. The worst feeling is to watch him refuse to take any food or drink, try as I may to switch out the variety, hoping that something would catch the cat’s taste buds. How can an animal go so long without taking a sip of water? Apparently cats can, though probably not the most ideal.

There’s a joy of relief when the cat does take a bit of food, and some vitality have returned in him. It’s enough to make a person emotional, and it’s a feeling that I reckon is unique in pet owners and parents with young kids. These little creatures are absolutely under your care, and you will try your best to accommodate it in any way. When your pet is sick, you feel it as well, and it’s a constantly nagging pain that won’t go away until its revived to proper health. It’s difficult to concentrate at anything I am doing when I know our lovely little kitten is sick and unwell.

To be selfless in caring for another being whose well-being is totally dependent on you. I get it now.

Layoff what ifs

So, my employer - San Francisco State University - is going through with layoffs in response to the budget crater caused by the COVID pandemic. While I am surprised that layoffs are on the table before lesser considerations such as furloughs and pay-cuts were even discussed, it’s not something that I’m really stressing over. Mainly because any decisions is out of my control, and also I am confident in my abilities and fortunes that I will be okay in the long run, whether I stay or go.

But I have done the thought exercise of what if I were to be let go from SFSU? I think it would be a great opportunity to make a big life change, coming off of really the only job I’ve known and done since I got out of college. It would be a great time to consider moving out of San Francisco, perhaps outside of California, or even this beloved country (a friendly wave to Asia). Honestly, that sounds very exciting, and partly why I’m not overly concerned about the looming layoffs.

To make such moves, however, one would need a sufficient capital cushion, and thankfully, I do. It would hurt a ton to have to sell the 911 GT3, but it would net me back just over six-figures, and with that amount in the proverbial pack-pocket, I have the freedom to choose my next destination, and not be in a hurry to do it, too. For sure I am super lucky to have kept my job during this time of coronavirus, while so many millions have lost theirs, and I made sure to save diligently these past five months in the event I do get laid off.

Whichever way the layoff hammer falls for me, I am content and ready for the outcome, and to keep moving forward.

What I'm working on

It is Monday, August 31st, the final day before September, of the year 2020, pandemic edition. These days with each turn of the calendar I am both surprised and dismayed that yet another month have gone past already, and still we are mired in this lockdown predicament that we’ve been in since March. When will it end? Who the heck knows, but the world keeps marching on, and so should you to the best possible.

Despite it all, I have to say my mental health have actually improved during this quarantine, something pleasantly unexpected. Coming out of a funky 2019, I was expecting a slow road back to equilibrium as another year arrives, but it seems COVID have accelerated those steps: I had to adapt quickly or risk having my anxiety issues turn for the worst. For better or worst, it seems having the space and time to focus on my thoughts - thanks, lockdown - and to think things through is a good form of psychotherapy for me.

My anxiety problem was largely resolved in Spring, and during the summer months I had a reconciliation with accepting situations as they come and going with the flow of life. Surely in part due to the quarantine, early June I was really rebelling against my current situation and being miserable that I can’t do anything about it. Eventually I come to remember that it’s rather useless to lament things that are out of my control, and life happens no matter my mood, so might as well be pleasant about things no matter if they are good or bad. Surrender to the flow and trust that it will eventually turn out okay.

As corny and magic-dust as it may sound, soon as I acquiesced to the flow, my life sort of fell into place perfectly like puzzle pieces, one after another. Things I’d normally stress over or worry about seems to fix itself, or solutions pop up just as I need it. It’s rather amazing.

Lately I’ve been working on the continuing struggle of staying present in the moment, which is a never-ending quest. Right now what I’m marinating on is that thinking about the future - near or far - robs me of the present moment. Don’t be so eager for the next thing on the list, even if that thing is better and more fun than what I am doing right now. Focus on the right now, and stop constantly anticipating; because eventually you’ll run out of the things to anticipate (read: death) and you’ll regret not having dedicated proper attention to your experiences as they happen.

That’s what I’m working on; I hope the final four months of this crazy 2020 will be at least in parts fruitful.

What would you do?

What would you do if you have many millions of dollars? As in, what you would be doing instead of your present situation? This is not in relations to anything material - spending that money on lots of nice things - but rather a philosophical questions on how would you change your life right now if all money concerns are taken away. However absurd and hypothetical the question may be, I think it’s a worthy exercise to do from time to time, because your answer will reveal what is truly most important to you and what you are passionate about.

Because let’s face it, a big reason of why we do the work we do everyday is to take care of the money problem, and who amongst us haven’t daydreamed that if only we’d hit the lottery, we’d be doing something else way more interesting instead. Well, why not follow that daydream all the way to the end: what is that “something else” you would be doing if money is not a problem? No vague answers like “follow my passion” or “quit my job”, but really drill down to precisely what specific things about your life that you would change.

Last night in conversation a friend of mind jokingly predicted I was going to the first billionaire amongst the group. To that I replied that if I had that much money, I’d move to Asia, buy a small house (with a garage, obviously), and probably read books most of the time. That is indeed what I would like to be doing, if money issues of modern civilization was not a factor: have a little place of quiet to myself, so I can do plenty of reading and studying, with a garage to store and work on my car (automobiles is the big passion of my life).

The question then becomes: is there anything actually stoping me from doing those things right now - without the bundles of cash in reserves? I may not have a house, but the type of abode doesn’t prevent me from reading books and studying. I may not have a garage, but I already bought my dream car, and keeping that lovely machine maintained and in good shape doesn’t require my own private enclosed parking space. Even the part about moving to Asia: I can do that right now (well, after COVID) if I sold much of my possessions and investments. Of course, I’d need to find a job over on the other side of the world, but even billionaires continue to work, even though they are set for life many times over.

Perhaps the lesson is: you don’t need absolute financial security to change your life towards what you truly want to do. Figure out what that is, and make a change - however small - starting today. I’m going back to reading…

Amazon shipping

In strange bit of irony, ever since I suspended my Amazon Prime account about a month ago, I’ve been doing more shopping on the website than ever. Honestly, it would have been nice to receive some of my recent purchases more quickly with the free two-day shipping offered by the Prime membership - such as the portable air-conditioning machine, but alas I had to make do with waiting the few additional days. I’d also forgotten that for non Prime customers, each purchase needs to be over $25 dollars in order to get free (slow) shipping, so sometimes I’ve had to think of more essential items to buy just to get me over that hump.

I am of course quite okay with slow shipping speeds; I wouldn’t have cancelled the Prime account if I didn’t. However, I’ve noticed that the only difference between standard and two-day shipping is a built-in delay for the former. Amazon would hold off shipping items until two days before scheduled, then it gets released to the carriers. Effectively, it’s still two-day shipping, but with a waiting period. My guess is it’s most optimal for Amazon to send all items out via two-day speed, no matter if the customer have paid for it or not. For a customer who doesn’t pay for it, the extra wait is artificial and not caused by anything logistical.

I’m old enough to remember when slow shipping on Amazon actually meant a package a physically took the extra few days to reach my home, and not because it is sat in a warehouse waiting for release. Standard shipping was ground shipping, instead of delayed two-day shipping. I reckon it’s a good tactic to get people to sign up for Prime; like blank buttons in the interior of a base-model car reminding customer of options they didn’t buy, Amazon shows non Prime shoppers like me the power and speed of two-day shipping, and it would be so easy to pay the extra money for a Prime membership to get rid of the artificial delay.

Sorry, Amazon: I’m still not going back to Prime.

Feels great, baby!

A few days ago I received an email from Citizens Bank notifying me that I’ve paid the final payment on the loan for my iPhone. The monthly expense of roughly $60 is off the books, and now I am free to spend that money somewhere else - just kidding; maybe. Indeed the notification was a nice boost to the happiness meter: it feels great to pay off debt and no longer owe anything. I had forgotten what that feels like, because what I’ve done during my whole adult life thus far is borrow money from the bank to finance a car. Even during the brief year after I sold the Mazda MX-5 and therefore completely debt free, I was saving up in preparation to buy the 911 GT3, which obviously required much additional borrowing.

The lesson here is that while it is tremendous to not have debt, I can’t seem to hang onto that feeling because I love cars way too much. The likelihood is high that after I pay off the GT3, I’ll go spend that chunk of money on another car. It’s not like I can afford to buy a house around these parts anyways; what’s the point of working hard to earn money if you don’t spend it on something you like? For me that just so happen to be cars; I’m sure for some of you, your thing must cost significantly less, and for that I congratulate you.

That email saying I’ve paid off my phone did prompt me to take a brief look at the books for the GT3, and turns out I’ve got about an average new car transaction price’s worth of payments left to go on that car. In the grand scheme of things I consider myself lucky to owe only that much on what was a six-figure transaction a year and a half ago; while the GT3 is an extravagant purchase to the relative extreme, I made sure to not extend myself by borrowing way too much, (and thus have an unsustainably high monthly payment) and with a ridiculously long loan term. I’m right on schedule to pay the car off in five years from the original purchase date, which is exactly how I planned it.

However, with interest rates so low, I can afford to be flexible. It wouldn’t cost anything to refinance the loan, extending the term and have a lower interest rate. I would then have a lower monthly payment, freeing up some money should I need to do something with it, like move out of a house and rent a spot. Of course, none of that is necessary nor possible until this whole COVID thing subsides. Keeping debt manageable and having cash in reserves is a great position that I am fortunate to be in.

Thanksgiving is cancelled

It has to be, right? I know we’re only in the middle of August right now, but I don’t think it would be possible for us to have our typical large gatherings for Thanksgiving. It would not be the responsible thing to do, not when there will be at-risk elders present (are you really not going to invite grandma and grandpa?). One of the biggest cause factors to the spread of COVID is large indoor gatherings where air-circulation is minimal; we would be naive to think that our homes wouldn’t be one of such type if we do invite our friends and family over for Thanksgiving dinner. For sure, plenty of people will have one anyways - because this is America.

I am definitely sad that I probably won’t get to eat my friend’s rather delicious turkey this year, though with the way 2020 have gone, it shouldn’t come as a surprise. We all thought the coronavirus would subside by the Summer months, but here we are approaching autumn and we are still in de-facto lockdown. In California I still cannot yet have a meal inside a restaurant, the traditional bonding act of breaking bread that I miss dearly. Some days I would wake up and wish that all of this would be over in an instant, however irrational it may be, and then reality sets in once more, and I move on with my day as I have done since March.

I did not intend to be somewhat depressive on a Monday, but this past weekend was one of the few times I got tangible frustrated at the current predicament. On top of the pandemic, the Bay Area is experiencing historically bad wildfires, and the air quality around here is so awful that it is advised we stay indoors unless absolutely necessary (good thing we’ve had a lot of practice). I was suppose to take the 911 out for a long drive on Sunday, but the terrible smog from the wildfires prevented me from doing so: last thing I want is to further exacerbate the problem with my petrol-burning toy of a sports car.

Instead then I was stuck indoors watching automotive-related videos on Youtube, which really didn’t help because all I could think about is wanting so much to go outside and drive. Seeing others being able to do so in those videos made me rage at my current situation, desperate for the moment when we can go back to our previous normal. There’s so much I want to do and be able to do again, and that future right now seems quite far away.

Perhaps I’m finally experiencing cabin fever.