It was Labor Day this past weekend, and after a hectic week at work, in which it was the first week of the Fall semester, the respite of a three-day weekend came at precisely the right time. I had plans to do my normal two-day weekend routine on Saturday and Sunday, and then come Monday, the goal was to do absolutely nothing, and just chill.
Well, Monday rolled around, and along with it the difficulty: I actually couldn’t make myself to not do anything! That morning, by the time the second consecutive Youtube video rolled around, I already had pangs of regret in wasting time and not being productive. On Labor Day, the day where I am suppose to relax and be lazy - and super fortunate to be in a position to do so, I have trouble in execution. What happened to the guy who could simply binge-watch a string of television seasons, like any other normal person?
He’s no longer here.
After watching the second video, I was too uncomfortable with the notion that I’m going to be doing that for the rest of the day. So, even though it’s technically a holiday, I returned to my daily routine, albeit in less of a time crunch since I didn’t have work: study Korean for an hour, read a book for an hour, and write a piece for this very website. It wasn’t until I’ve finished all three items that I felt at ease with watching car-related stuff on Youtube for the rest of the day.
The inability to just chill: is it a bad thing? Is there some latent anxiety or depression that I’m using constant productivity to avoid confronting? I really don’t know. The clock never stops on the action long enough for me to invade my own mind and find out the answer; I’d get antsy and pick up the book again, or write some more; or I still have many great podcasts to listen to, so let’s jump back to that queue.
These days I have a great desire for peace and quiet, but ironically, granting that silence for my own mind is a grace I can’t seem to give myself. I’m far too eager for what’s next, which is why even on Labor Day I’m unable to fully commit to a day of doing nothing.
I’m sure there’s some positives to that, too; hashtag hustle. That’s the ‘yin’ and the ‘yang’.