Blog

Short blog posts, journal entries, and random thoughts. Topics include a mix of personal and the world at large.

A rough week

I guess last week was a really tough one. You ever just break down in tears at the end of it because all the pent-up stress and emotions simply floods out? That was my Friday evening, at the tail-end of a truly stressful week. I was listening to some tunes trying to relax for a bit, and the floodgates sort of just started. It was nice to release it out.

The utter lack of getting any amount of vitamin-D probably did not help the situation I was in. It’s been said that getting some sunshine is helpful for the mood, and unfortunately none of us got any last week. Much of the Bay Area was (and still is) blanketed by a cover of smog due to the numerous wildfires that are currently burning in California and up the coast in Oregon. Most eerie and apocalyptic was on Wednesday: our marine layer kept the smoky air up high, causing it to quite literally block out the sun. The brightness level at noon was more akin to evening, and the sky was this ominous orange the entire day.

I can’t imagine what it must be like for people dealing with real depression seeing such apocalyptic scenes right outside their windows. And let’s not forget: we are still in the middle of the worst pandemic of our lifetimes.

What was causing me stress was the health of our cat. He’s been dealing with stomach issues, and last Tuesday it was confirmed he had severe inflammation of the intestines. Therefore, for much of the week – on top of my work duties- I’ve been giving extra care for the kitten, making sure it’s eating properly and drinking enough water. Like a parent caring for a sick child, it’s really difficult to concentrate during your regular routine when the nagging feeling of worry never leaves the back of your head. No surprise that quality of sleep is negatively affected as well.

On top of all that, some lowlife stole the rear license plate off of my dad’s car, so that was something additional I had to deal with. The life of an immigrant kid never leaves you – it will always be up to me to help my parents out with anything that involves heavy English. I don’t normally complain about this – can’t choose your parents, after all – but last week was not the best time to have that added on top, honestly.

I hope this week will be better. For all of us.

It's so freaking hot

I woke up yesterday feeling rather parched, which was strange because I am the type of person who hydrates properly. Then I remembered: the air-conditioning was on the entire time the day before, and the negative side-effect to having a chilled room is that air-conditioning removes moisture, leaving your skin and mouth dry if you don’t drink more water than usual. So I got up, skipped the coffee (a diuretic that also dehydrates), and made a giant jug of lemon water and promptly drank half of it.

The desperate need for fluids is a small price to pay for the comforts of having air-conditioning. The long three-day Labor Day weekend saw historically high temperatures in much of California, with San Francisco hitting 100 degrees on Sunday afternoon. Since the last such heat-wave, I finally broke down and purchased a portable air-conditioning machine, not wanting to suffer the hot nights of uneasy sleep any longer. Our relatively tiny 10,000 BTU unit did a superb job at keeping our living room at a comfortable (read: not cold enough for multi-layers of clothing) temperature during the day, and evacuating the latent heat in the bedrooms before sleep time.

So glad we bought it in time for this heat-wave, and probably should have done it way sooner.

Traditionally, the long Labor Day weekend is a time for us who work in education to take a breather after the intense opening weeks of the Fall semester. I had plans to the write the August installment of the GT3 diaries, and to devour a few books. The weather gods had other plans of course, and it was entirely too hot inside the house to have any productivity. I feel guilty sometimes being for being such a wimp: temperatures go past 90 and suddenly I can’t work anymore! But you try putting together cogent sentences when merely sitting down and not moving is enough to cause a sweat; my room was a sauna.

It didn’t help I recently just sold my Macbook Pro, so I didn’t have a portable device to bring to the air-conditioned living room to continue working. Instead, I lounged around for much of this past weekend, trying to stay cool and hydrated. Sorry, dear readers: the August update for the 911 GT3 will have to wait another week.

A different kind of joy

Recently, our pet kitten got a case of the stomach virus. He’s been refusing to eat much food, and was not drinking any water from the bowl at all. At the initial phase, the cat was vomiting regularly as well. He’s lost a few pounds of weight, and has been quite lethargic around the house. It’s the first time since our family adopted the kitten back in April that we’ve experienced it being sick, and I have to say it’s rather heart-wrenching to see your beloved pet struggling with energy.

I would be working throughout the day and at the back of mind I’m instead thinking of the well-being of the cat, hoping the stomach sickness will soon pass. As I go to check up on him every now and then, it’s utterly discouraging to see him sitting down with downcast eyes, lacking in the usual pep and welcome. The worst feeling is to watch him refuse to take any food or drink, try as I may to switch out the variety, hoping that something would catch the cat’s taste buds. How can an animal go so long without taking a sip of water? Apparently cats can, though probably not the most ideal.

There’s a joy of relief when the cat does take a bit of food, and some vitality have returned in him. It’s enough to make a person emotional, and it’s a feeling that I reckon is unique in pet owners and parents with young kids. These little creatures are absolutely under your care, and you will try your best to accommodate it in any way. When your pet is sick, you feel it as well, and it’s a constantly nagging pain that won’t go away until its revived to proper health. It’s difficult to concentrate at anything I am doing when I know our lovely little kitten is sick and unwell.

To be selfless in caring for another being whose well-being is totally dependent on you. I get it now.

Layoff what ifs

So, my employer - San Francisco State University - is going through with layoffs in response to the budget crater caused by the COVID pandemic. While I am surprised that layoffs are on the table before lesser considerations such as furloughs and pay-cuts were even discussed, it’s not something that I’m really stressing over. Mainly because any decisions is out of my control, and also I am confident in my abilities and fortunes that I will be okay in the long run, whether I stay or go.

But I have done the thought exercise of what if I were to be let go from SFSU? I think it would be a great opportunity to make a big life change, coming off of really the only job I’ve known and done since I got out of college. It would be a great time to consider moving out of San Francisco, perhaps outside of California, or even this beloved country (a friendly wave to Asia). Honestly, that sounds very exciting, and partly why I’m not overly concerned about the looming layoffs.

To make such moves, however, one would need a sufficient capital cushion, and thankfully, I do. It would hurt a ton to have to sell the 911 GT3, but it would net me back just over six-figures, and with that amount in the proverbial pack-pocket, I have the freedom to choose my next destination, and not be in a hurry to do it, too. For sure I am super lucky to have kept my job during this time of coronavirus, while so many millions have lost theirs, and I made sure to save diligently these past five months in the event I do get laid off.

Whichever way the layoff hammer falls for me, I am content and ready for the outcome, and to keep moving forward.

What I'm working on

It is Monday, August 31st, the final day before September, of the year 2020, pandemic edition. These days with each turn of the calendar I am both surprised and dismayed that yet another month have gone past already, and still we are mired in this lockdown predicament that we’ve been in since March. When will it end? Who the heck knows, but the world keeps marching on, and so should you to the best possible.

Despite it all, I have to say my mental health have actually improved during this quarantine, something pleasantly unexpected. Coming out of a funky 2019, I was expecting a slow road back to equilibrium as another year arrives, but it seems COVID have accelerated those steps: I had to adapt quickly or risk having my anxiety issues turn for the worst. For better or worst, it seems having the space and time to focus on my thoughts - thanks, lockdown - and to think things through is a good form of psychotherapy for me.

My anxiety problem was largely resolved in Spring, and during the summer months I had a reconciliation with accepting situations as they come and going with the flow of life. Surely in part due to the quarantine, early June I was really rebelling against my current situation and being miserable that I can’t do anything about it. Eventually I come to remember that it’s rather useless to lament things that are out of my control, and life happens no matter my mood, so might as well be pleasant about things no matter if they are good or bad. Surrender to the flow and trust that it will eventually turn out okay.

As corny and magic-dust as it may sound, soon as I acquiesced to the flow, my life sort of fell into place perfectly like puzzle pieces, one after another. Things I’d normally stress over or worry about seems to fix itself, or solutions pop up just as I need it. It’s rather amazing.

Lately I’ve been working on the continuing struggle of staying present in the moment, which is a never-ending quest. Right now what I’m marinating on is that thinking about the future - near or far - robs me of the present moment. Don’t be so eager for the next thing on the list, even if that thing is better and more fun than what I am doing right now. Focus on the right now, and stop constantly anticipating; because eventually you’ll run out of the things to anticipate (read: death) and you’ll regret not having dedicated proper attention to your experiences as they happen.

That’s what I’m working on; I hope the final four months of this crazy 2020 will be at least in parts fruitful.

What would you do?

What would you do if you have many millions of dollars? As in, what you would be doing instead of your present situation? This is not in relations to anything material - spending that money on lots of nice things - but rather a philosophical questions on how would you change your life right now if all money concerns are taken away. However absurd and hypothetical the question may be, I think it’s a worthy exercise to do from time to time, because your answer will reveal what is truly most important to you and what you are passionate about.

Because let’s face it, a big reason of why we do the work we do everyday is to take care of the money problem, and who amongst us haven’t daydreamed that if only we’d hit the lottery, we’d be doing something else way more interesting instead. Well, why not follow that daydream all the way to the end: what is that “something else” you would be doing if money is not a problem? No vague answers like “follow my passion” or “quit my job”, but really drill down to precisely what specific things about your life that you would change.

Last night in conversation a friend of mind jokingly predicted I was going to the first billionaire amongst the group. To that I replied that if I had that much money, I’d move to Asia, buy a small house (with a garage, obviously), and probably read books most of the time. That is indeed what I would like to be doing, if money issues of modern civilization was not a factor: have a little place of quiet to myself, so I can do plenty of reading and studying, with a garage to store and work on my car (automobiles is the big passion of my life).

The question then becomes: is there anything actually stoping me from doing those things right now - without the bundles of cash in reserves? I may not have a house, but the type of abode doesn’t prevent me from reading books and studying. I may not have a garage, but I already bought my dream car, and keeping that lovely machine maintained and in good shape doesn’t require my own private enclosed parking space. Even the part about moving to Asia: I can do that right now (well, after COVID) if I sold much of my possessions and investments. Of course, I’d need to find a job over on the other side of the world, but even billionaires continue to work, even though they are set for life many times over.

Perhaps the lesson is: you don’t need absolute financial security to change your life towards what you truly want to do. Figure out what that is, and make a change - however small - starting today. I’m going back to reading…

Amazon shipping

In strange bit of irony, ever since I suspended my Amazon Prime account about a month ago, I’ve been doing more shopping on the website than ever. Honestly, it would have been nice to receive some of my recent purchases more quickly with the free two-day shipping offered by the Prime membership - such as the portable air-conditioning machine, but alas I had to make do with waiting the few additional days. I’d also forgotten that for non Prime customers, each purchase needs to be over $25 dollars in order to get free (slow) shipping, so sometimes I’ve had to think of more essential items to buy just to get me over that hump.

I am of course quite okay with slow shipping speeds; I wouldn’t have cancelled the Prime account if I didn’t. However, I’ve noticed that the only difference between standard and two-day shipping is a built-in delay for the former. Amazon would hold off shipping items until two days before scheduled, then it gets released to the carriers. Effectively, it’s still two-day shipping, but with a waiting period. My guess is it’s most optimal for Amazon to send all items out via two-day speed, no matter if the customer have paid for it or not. For a customer who doesn’t pay for it, the extra wait is artificial and not caused by anything logistical.

I’m old enough to remember when slow shipping on Amazon actually meant a package a physically took the extra few days to reach my home, and not because it is sat in a warehouse waiting for release. Standard shipping was ground shipping, instead of delayed two-day shipping. I reckon it’s a good tactic to get people to sign up for Prime; like blank buttons in the interior of a base-model car reminding customer of options they didn’t buy, Amazon shows non Prime shoppers like me the power and speed of two-day shipping, and it would be so easy to pay the extra money for a Prime membership to get rid of the artificial delay.

Sorry, Amazon: I’m still not going back to Prime.