Parenting is hard

It is the start of the Spring 2024 semester on campus. Nice to see a bustling campus once more, though the only downside is the bathrooms will certainly be dirtier. The flu and cold virus is also going around, so we've got to protect ourselves the best we can. Wash or sanitize your hands often, and try not to touch your face. Even post COVID pandemic, people can’t seem to stay home when they are sick. Supposedly, the area around the eyes are potently vulnerable entry points for viruses.

Was there a chance the Spring semester was going to be delayed? The CFA - the union representing faculty and librarians - were on strike just last week. But on that Tuesday, the two sides came to a tentative agreement. CFA basically got the same deal as we, the employees union - got: five percent raises last fiscal and this fiscal year. Equality is great, isn't it? (The CFA was asking for more.)

Also included in the new contract is an increase of paid parental leave from the current six weeks to 10 weeks. As a housemate to two new parents with five months-old twin boys, I must say parents deserve all the time off they can get from their employers. Parenting is truly another job onto itself. It's not like folks on parental leave are at home playing videos games. In fact, some are happy to return to work, partly to escape the baby responsibilities for just a few precious hours. (Who knew that eating an entire lunch undisturbed can be so precious?)

Anything to encourage and incentivize people to have babies should be pursued. The education industry - the one I am employed by - is predicated on having an endless supply of replacement pupils, year after year. If the population is having fewer babies, then that supply will naturally dwindle. And with it the future stability of this job. So in a totally self-servicing way: good for the CFA in getting an increase in parental leave!

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The marshmallow test.

What is sleep?

As I’m listening to this podcast episode about sleep this morning, I am reminded of just how little my housemates have been getting these past months. Ever since their twin boys were born last September, both parents have been running on four hours of sleep per night. I cannot comprehend how they do it. The last time I only got four hours of sleep (had to pick up a friend after the Taylor Swift concert), I was in a suboptimal daze for the entire week following.

Either I am weak, or, you know, proper amounts of sleep is the best thing for our body that pharmaceuticals can’t hope to replicate.

But, as new parents, my friends got to do what they got to do. Though it’s not really good advertising to entice others to have kids. So you’re telling me: the babies will cry every few hours (like PTSD), I only get few hours of sleep a night - therefore my body don’t have the necessary time to repair itself, my stress levels are through the roof, and my diet is absolute super-processed shit. All for the privilege of bring a new life into this world. Honorable, but damn if it looks like not so good a time.

Life is a big game of tradeoffs. That aforementioned is the sacrifice required to have kids. Just like if you want to date and get married, then some of your leisure activities will have to go. One quite literally cannot have it all. You drill down to the few things most important, and then focus on them solely. Once kids arrive, then obviously something - a lot of something - else is no longer in the “most important’ category. Like sleep, or traveling to foreign countries for fun.

Thankfully (and hopefully soon), my housemates will get some sleep hours back. Once the twins reach a stage where they are able to sleep overnight consistently. Surely other parenting challenges await after that. But, a well-rested and well-slept parent is better adept at meeting those challenges.

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It was all yellow.

You'll miss it when it's gone

I go almost every Friday over to my friends’ house to see their two boys. Well, primarily for a free dinner, but it doesn’t change the fact the kids are there as well. At the tender age of six and four, the changes week by week can be rapid. One week you can kiss the eldest hello and goodbye, then the next he doesn’t want you to anymore. Because he learned at school that’s not what boys do. At least I’m not the mother who got asked to stop calling him “baby”. That must hurt!

This is why when it comes to young kids, I’ve come up with a saying: “You’ll miss it when it’s gone.” Especially the minor things you currently complain about with their behavior. Still wanting you to feed them food even though they’re six years old? You’ll miss the bonding time when they soon would rather eat by themselves, away from the dinner table. Asking you too many questions with that typically endless curiosity of kid? You’ll miss it come the teenage years, and it’s you who desperately want to communicate.

I’m not sure my friends appreciate me saying they’ll miss it when it’s gone. After all, I’m only there for about three hours out of the week. I don’t have to deal with those behavioral annoyances constantly. It’s entirely possible that if and when I have kids of my own, my tune would be different. Feed you? Feed yourself! You’re six! Carry you? You can walk just fine.

One things for sure: if I do have kids, they will get my absolute undivided attention. The time for hobbies and personal interests is over. Any kid will and should usurp all of those things. I come home from a long day at work and guess what? It’s time to play with the kids. No more piano practice. No more joys of reading.

Which is why I’m not in any hurry.

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Tag yourself!

First time babysitting

I have found the secret to babysitting.

This past Friday, my friends had a wedding to attend, so I volunteered to look after their two young boys for a few hours (ages three and five). I’ve known these kids since they were born, so their familiarity with me should make for a pretty smooth evening. And indeed it was. The boys didn’t care at all that both parents will be gone for awhile. I guess they’ve past that age of separation anxiety.

The secret to babysitting young kids is to provide them with your undivided attention. You can’t be on your phone or stare at a laptop screen the whole time while they’re playing by themselves. This isn’t a time to watch Netflix. My friend’s two boys like to have someone sit right next to them while they play with toys or watch something on the iPad. I was ready to react anytime they had a comment or wanted me to look at something.

Can’t do that while I’m scrolling through twitter endless on my iPhone! I think kids innately know whether you’re paying attention to them or not. It’s not something you can fake. That “uh huh” while you’re still looking at the laptop screen rings very hollow to a kid’s ears.

And that’s the sacrifice to having kids, isn’t it? The world you had previously: the social media, the TV shows, even conversation with your friends - those things are way in the back burner now. Giving time and attention to your kids is rule number one. Everything else almost don’t matter. Don’t be that pet owner who looks at his phone the whole time while walking the dog. That’s the commitment you chose.

There will come a time when the kids get old enough (teenage years) that they can be left alone for extend periods. Until then, the best way to be with kids is actually be with them, fully.

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That’s a small ride indeed.