Blog

Short blog posts, journal entries, and random thoughts. Topics include a mix of personal and the world at large.

Regrets of the dying

Yesterday, my family went to see my maternal grandfather in the nursing home. He is 93, hugely diabetic, and struggling through his last days. My brother and I were there to pay our last respects, if you will. While I would say that 93 years is a sufficiently long life, the pain that comes with end of life is still a difficult watch. Grandfather could opt out of dialysis and go in a matter of days, but he continues to cling to life. Who can blame him?

The whole time I was there, I kept thinking of Bronnie Ware’s book: The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. I wonder what regrets my grandfather has, if any? Sadly, not a question I can ask, because at this point he doesn’t even recognize who I am. For those wondering, here are the top five regrets, courtesy of Wikipedia:

"I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."
"I wish I hadn't worked so hard."
"I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings."
"I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends."
"I wish that I had let myself be happier."

I know one regret I would have: making dumb health choices when I’m young, only for me to suffer later in life. What’s the point of living into the 90s when you’re bed and house-ridden for the final decade plus? I don’t see that as a very good life. This is why I hugely about the three pillars of getting enough sleep, eating correctly, and consistent exercise. Now, when I’m still in my 30s. I want to live a long time, yes, but I want that long time to also be as functional as possible. God willing, of course.

This is why I push my retired parents to be as active as possible, and get enough protein. Let my grandfather be an example of how not to end up during our respective end of days. It’s a tremendous burden on yourself and your loved ones.

A decade has passed

Last week at work there was a celebration of years-of-service milestones for the campus staff (in increments of five years). I was amongst the group celebrating 10 years of service time. A full decade has passed since I became full-time staff at the university - what a thing to realize! So much for seeing this job as something temporary before moving on to something more pertinent (I’ve got a degree in business, after all). 10 years on, I don’t see myself changing from this - unless something drastic happens. I’m in it until the end.

And honestly, that is not a bag thing at all. This campus job is steady, I’m reasonably decent at it, and during off hours I never have to think about it. The stress to income ratio is just about right. Most of my friends make more than I do, but I wouldn’t want their stress and work schedules. Besides, comparing yourself to others is how you end up feeling bad about somehow not being as “ambitious.” Asian parents will definitely get on you for not striving for more (money).

But that would be living to the expectation of others. The want for a (supposedly) higher station in life should come from within: striving for the sake of striving itself. What you don’t want is to feel trapped in the momentum of a certain path, as dictated by society. People are so focused on achieving the next thing they never stop to think whether that next thing is even something they intrinsically want. Adding to the problem is their lifestyle have already acquiesced to a certain level of income (lifestyle creep). They can’t get off the hamster wheel: private school for the kids needs paying.

I feel lucky to have avoided that trap. More money would be nice, but the additional stress that inevitably comes from it is not worth trading life energy for. I work so that I don’t have to work, if you get what I mean.

Please sir, no more

I really need to stop buying books. There’s still so many on my shelves currently that I’ve yet to read. Just this week, four more books arrived from the overlords at Amazon. The COVID pandemic may be over, but my personal pandemic of compulsive book buying is here to stay. What I should do is stop listening to podcasts, because that’s where I usually get book recommendations from. The hosts would interview some interesting person releasing a book, and I would immediately go one click purchase (trademark) on Amazon.

No wonder book tours include going on podcasts.

There’s also the problem of running out of shelf space. The two Billy bookcases in my room is full (man have they gotten expensive since I bought them three years ago), and I prefer not to get more shelving. That money would be better used towards buying more books! My solution to this is to slowly donate the books I’ve already read. The rule: any new book I buy, one on the shelf has to go. Fortunately, it’s super easy to donate my used books. Our university library has a book donation drop-off. So I simply have to bring the books with me to work.

I would donate to the San Francisco Public Library - there’s a branch literally down the block from me. Sadly they do not except donations at branch locations. There’s a central spot on the other side of the city that accepts them. My housemate recently hauled a bunch of his old books over there. I on the hand will not be wasting gas for this endeavor. Sorry, SFPL: decrease friction if you want my donations!

There’s nothing better than an early Saturday morning, reading a book in front of my room window (with a requisite cup of coffee, of course). No need for any grand travel adventures; that simplicity is what satisfies me these days.

Okay maybe not

Okay so maybe I won’t be buying a new Civic Type R anytime soon. Not because I can’t at any moment, but rather it doesn’t seem the prudent thing to do. Everybody’s trying to cut cost these days, right? Look at all the layoffs from tech companies. They’re still very profitable, but are battening down the hatches for the proverbial raining day that can’t seem to arrive. It’s never wrong to save a bit of money, though on a company level I do feel for the folks out of jobs. It’s horrible to get laid off.

On a personal level, keeping cash in the bank - instead of buying a second “toy” car when I already don’t drive my primary car much - is the strategy right now. Interest rates have never been this high for people of our cohort. I think the rates were higher back when we were in high school, but come on, as if we had money to stuff in the bank during those days. A high yield savings account is giving nearly 4% in risk-free returns. It is time to reap, rather than spend. Let compounding do some work.

And honestly, buying and managing another car would just add additional stress. Instead of moving one car for street cleaning, I would have to move two. Maintenance is times two. Worrying about some jackass messing with the cars whilst parked is also doubled. Is that what I really want? Never mind the financial hole I would dig myself into for yet another car. All of it go against my living ethos of keeping things as simple as possible.

I can afford to (or is it can’t afford not to) be patient and wait. Now is not the time to dump a lot of cash on a thing I absolutely do not need.

Great news!

(DJ Khaled voice) Big life change alert: my housemates/landlords are having babies. That’s right, plural. They’re expecting twin boys coming due around September. We are all very excited for this next stage of life for them, though those of us living under this roof are going to rue the departure of peace and quiet. It’s going to be a rowdy few years (at least) until the babies grow into kids who can behave themselves. Earplugs for everyone! Well, not everyone: just me. My housemates actually have to wake up when the babies are crying.

As a noted lover for all things peace and quiet, I think there was some concern that I would move out of the house on this baby news. While indeed I do prefer absolute quiet, there is no way I’m abandoning this place. The only constant in life is change, and if I run away every single time it does, that costs a lot of money. Speaking of money, if I do move out, it would be difficult for my housemates to rent it out to another person. Incoming twin babies living right above you is not so attractive on an advert.

It would be unkind to remove an income stream just as they need it the most. The joke is: they’ve only budgeted for one kid! Besides, there’s no way I’m giving up living close enough to work that I can walk there.

Another big life change later this year is my dad retiring from work. At which point I would be old enough to have two retired parents. A sort of weird milestone that you really don’t think about at all until it creeps up on you. After slaving away for nearly thirty years - after immigrating to America from China - just so me and my brother can have a better life, the pending retirement is hugely deserved for my father.

Meanwhile, my housemates are just about to begin that journey. It’s going to be chaotic around here.

Is that what I am?

It was a bit jarring to hear a friend describe me to another person as a “photographer.” I could only reply sheepishly to the fact I’m a mere hobbyist, nothing serious. My slightly embarrassed response is because I haven’t really been doing much “photography” at all, not ever since the pandemic started some three years ago. It’s a dormant hobby at best, abandoned at worst.

The only sort of photography I do these days is to make sure I take at least one picture a day for the 365 challenge. It’s something I’m proud to have kept going since 2011.

But otherwise there’s really not much else going on. My bread-and-butter in terms of interest is travel photography. Easy to figure out then why I haven’t done much these past years. I long to do another project like the one I did for my Japan trip. To do some writing to go along with the photographs. To tell interesting stories of a foreign place. A soft goal of mine is to return to South Korea for this purpose. It was not something I had in me when I first visited back in 2017.

And what camera will I do it with? As great as iPhone photographic capabilities have advanced, smartphones are still not substitutes for dedicated “DSLR” cameras. Difficult to believe my Sony A7R2 is now eight years since it was introduced back in 2015. The image quality out of that camera is still top-notch, but as is my wont I am hankering for something newer and a completely different brand.

Whether or not I actually spend that money remains to be seen. Honestly, whether or not I actually return to doing lots of photography is also an open question. It’s that whole different stages in life thing, you know? What is for sure is that I do want to travel back to Asia again.

For the sake of others

A coworker on mine recently got diagnosed as pre-diabetic. The condition is serious enough that he is now taking three separate medications for it. What he needs to avoid is the full type 2 diabetes: a lifetime of blood-glucose monitoring and kidney dialysis, if it gets bad enough.

Other than the meds, the prescription is simple, really. The coworker just have to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep. Of course, what is easy on paper is really not when it comes time to move. It’s a drastic change for those who are used to a life of eating with impunity and not much exercising. The struggle is real when you’re trying to eat a salad while the people around you are eating cheeseburgers. Whichever pharmaceutical company figures out how to compress diet/sleep/exercise into a one singular pill is going to make all the money in the world.

Until then, my coworker is going to have to do the hard slog. So far, not so good. Just last week he went to the campus dinning hall to eat lunch, which is buffet style. Naturally then he stuffed himself to the gills, ruining his afternoon of productivity. It’s kind of disappointing to see a diagnosis of pre-diabetic isn’t enough of a wake up call for him. Especially considering he has a young daughter (and a wife, in Borat voice). Surely he wants to be healthy and functional for her sake.

The answer is of course yes - on paper. Wanting to be healthy and actually doing the steps to get there can be mutually exclusive. You’d think having a daughter to live for would be enough of an impetus, but we’ve yet to see the consistent change with our coworker. Hopefully it won’t take crossing over to full diabetes for him to actually get on with it.